Sunday, June 26, 2005

DR. DOOLITTLE

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Note the dog's ears are back. It is scared of the strange man. It wants to get away.

Some of us can talk to animals. Everyone imagines they can talk to their pets but some of us can talk to any creatures, or rather, get inside of them, so to speak. Like any skill, it is both inborn and developed over time. One fad right now is "horse whispering" which is how people talk to scared horses by being gentle. This goes under "duh" for me. I have had violent horses. Whispering to a cocky stallion determined to crush your rib cage or feet would be hilarious to watch. Mostly, I speak loudly in cases like that, or rather, I yell very loudly.

Here it comes, yet again. A man who supposedly reads animals: From the Hampton Roads news:
Bill Northern kept picturing a dark-colored chair, maybe a sofa. Ezzie the dog insisted it was hers, and hers alone.

Northern held a small brass pendulum at the end of a short string in his right hand. As the pendulum swung back and forth, he closed his eyes and held his left hand palm up.

Northern, 67, is a self-proclaimed “animal communicator and equine consultant.” He listened to dogs and horses at the East Coast Equestrian Training Center in southern Virginia Beach on Thursday and Friday.
Hypnotizing dogs and horses isn't really all that new, actually. The Victorians were fond of hypnotism and ever eager to control animals since they needed to control them all the time, there was a fad for hypnotizing animals. Want to hypnotize a bird? You can't unless two people do it! Their brains are divided in two and each eye takes in reality seperately. heh.
Part Dr. Do little and part Dr. Phil, Northern travels the country and the world, “talking” to animals and their owners about behavioral issues, health problems and relationships.

For $60, Northern will spend 20 minutes listening to your animal’s concerns and relaying them to you. He will answer questions you want to ask your four-legged friend.
Animals don't talk in English. When a human who is a stranger looks at them, they don't blurt out stuff about their owners. I assure you, just trust me, this is what all animals, without exception, think: "Is this stranger dangerous? Will he eat me? Can I bite him? I wonder if he will fall down/run/faint if I jump at him? Why is he staring at me? I hate animals that stare at me. Maybe I should attack him."

Animals hate staring. Want to earn their emnity forever, stare at them. Predators and animals challenging their territory stare at them. I win the love of animals by not looking at them. Sometimes, I sit with my back to a shy animal and pretend something else is much more engrossing.

Once, I had to help a traumatized kangaroo. She huddled in her cage, shivering with fear, she was visibly depressed. I opend the door and took her leash to her harness and then laid it on my lap and proceeded to pretend to eat leaves. I examined each leaf and then chewed it. A nose inched over my shoulder. I casually slipped a leaf to the kangaroo. She ate it and then she nuzzled me. Within an hour, we were playing. She bounded happily about, free from her leash and each time I wanted her to return, I would bounce up and down and squeak. She would fly to my arms.

I have tamed parrots this way.

I have tamed bobcats and gila monsters and snakes. People have told me their snake/parrot/dog/cat or whatever hated strangers. Then I would befriend them and in no time have these hostile animals happily interacting. I ask nothing of them but to be themselves.
He says he was at a friend’s stable when he overheard a horse say, “I didn’t get an apple today.” Northern said, “What?” The horse said it again, and Northern asked the owner whether it was true. At first, the owner dismissed it, then remembered the daily apple had, indeed, been forgotten.
I don't know how this man reads the mind of the owners of animals but trust me, if a horse saw a stranger, he would send out this message, "Get me the bag of apples in the office, bring them here and give it to me, now." Why waste time dealing with the past? No horse does that. They are very goal oriented. I know my horse, Sparky, would do that. He would also tell you to open the door to the feed house and let him inside, too. And to fetch me and make me take down the gates and...you get the picture. Sparky loves mind control and he exerts his entire being to hypnotize humans into obeying him, not the other way around.

When you ride him, you signal with the reins, turn right. He will peer over his shoulder and sneer. And turn left. I used to let him go into trees to try to get rid of me only then I loop his reins in the branches, dismount and go tell him he is trapped.

He stopped doing it.

Full of tricks, that horse. Once, when he was pulling logs, he decided to stop and in a display of horse rage, he went through the entire reportoire of the Vienna Riding School Aires. Exausted by this effort, we patted him and told him, "Git up, boy," and made him finish pulling the trees. He was in a bad mood afterwards until I showed up with the sweetmix. Suddenly, all was forgotten...maybe. Hope he can't tell strangers about these things. Sheesh.
A day earlier, Parker asked Northern to talk to her horse, Jordan. The horse had a sense of humor, Parker said, “She was sure to tell Bill all of my bad habits.”

Jordan said Parker leans too far forward when she rides, “and she doesn’t like carrying my weight on her shoulders.”

In riding lessons, Parker said, she is frequently told not to lean forward – something that she said Northern wouldn’t have known before their session.
Earth to Jordan: if a horse is going to bellyache about riders, you can bet this is would they would want you to say, "Get the f.... off my back, you freeloader. I want to graze or chew the boards in my stall."

Sparky would probably add "c*cks*cker", being a stallion.

All the time, people come along who think they are reading animal minds. Usually, they are reading human minds.

By the way, many observers of wild animals like Jane Goodall, truly can communicate and understand those they watch. It is heartrending for Jane to meet enslaved chimpanzees. When she tells the humans what our nearest relatives are trying to say, it doesn't do much good. We still murder and enslave them and use them for medical/psychological experiments.

Take a guess where I stand on this issue.

Talk to any animal. Be a vegetarian.
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